I don’t want any poetry in my rock.
No politics either.

…but I often made an exception for Jim Carroll, in spite of his poetic inclinations.

His lyrics and jump hook often went over my head, but in the vertically-challenged world of rock, he was a breath of thin air.

Up next was a full set from cabaret singer Dennis DeYoung. I had a bunch of one-liners ready to go for what I expected to be a schmaltzy set, but, although it’s completely against my nature to praise him, he and his band actually rocked. However, Styx still stynx.

Joe Lynn Turner, sounding like a shriekier Ian Gillan and looking like a less fit Jack Black, was next.  He played three Deep Purple classics that he had nothing to do with.  The charitable goals of the concert were to give instruments to kids, but Turner must have thought he was at Live Aid because he kept talking about all the lives we were saving tonight.

If only Turner limited his impact to ruining is own set.  Blue Öyster Cult’s Buck Dharma was next.  In what I can only guess was revenge for BÖC’s habit of stealing rhythm section members from Rainbow, Turner sang back up and managed to mangle the words to Burnin’ For You while slobbering over Dharma’s wife at the same time.   Richard Meltzer must have been proud.

Mark Farner came on stage next and wisely took Turner’s mike. Three songs later, however, and it was time for Turner to come back and improvise through a 45-minute set change.  “I just got back from Iraq and we have to save the children because the children here will be the children there.” “All the energy you are giving us is coming right back to us.”  Great stuff.

Jack Bruce finally came on and performed an acoustic song with a broken guitar.  He picked up his bass and ran through a set of Cream songs with Mark Hitt on guitar and Steve Luongo on drums, who played the Clapton and Baker roles admirably.  Tommy Zvoncheck added superfluous keyboards during “I Feel Free” and “White Room.”  Bruce had more freedom to improvise with Hitt than he did with Clapton during the Cream reunion shows in 2005.  After a handful of songs, the set was abruptly cut short due to curfew.  Joe Lynn Turner broke out of his cage long enough to tear through a sloppy “My Generation” while the roadies tore down the equipment.

I earlier covered how the show was looking like a scam here. Rick French was still pulling off the bait and switch at the show, telling the crowd following the DeYoung set to make sure to stay until the end for a very special surprise.  What was it?  According to French after the show, 45 planned minutes were cut from the show because they ran out of time.  This must have included the big surprise.  Somehow they managed to find time for a 16 year old girl to sing an original song and play guitar. I was expecting a prodigy; she was a little above average for a 16 year old.

People who had extra tickets were unable to give them away outside the venue. When the show was originally announced, Rick French had stated that they intended to beat the scalpers by not announcing all the performers before tickets went on sale.  By booking a show nobody wanted to see, he was completely successful. I listened to VIP ticket holders who were supposed to be fed throughout the show complaining about getting one trip through a buffet line to fill a small paper plate. Quite a deal at $250/person.

I dragged myself to the afterparty at a downtown Raleigh club.  Yes drummer Alan White led a jam band through some classic rock standards.  It started out fine with Buck Dharma’s crafty lead work elevating versions of “Sympathy for the Devil” and “Proud Mary.” One-trick pony Randy Hansen dominated the stage shortly thereafter with his Jimi Hendrix impersonation.  This left no space for the musicians with originality, so exit Buck Dharma and enter…Joe Lynn Turner!  No longer feeling inhibited, he bumbled through some ZZ Top (I guess) and Led Zeppelin. He copped serpentine moves from Axl Rose, although like a snake that had just swallowed a javelina.  White finally tired of the amateur hour and said “Looks like we’re out of songs. Good night.”

French had earlier promised an auction of rock and roll memorabilia at the after party. There was nothing, although you probably could have purchased Joe Lynn Turner for a small price.  There was one promise that French did keep: this was an event that all attendees would remember for a lifetime.

The concert benefits the John Entwistle Foundation, so there was a lot of speculation that members of the Who would be appearing. The problem was that the lineup for the show was not announced up front.  They released the names of only a few performers prior to tickets going on sale.

I told my editor that we should buy my ticket in advance, based on some quotes from promoter Rick French:

“If we announce the full line-up prior to putting tickets on sale, very few people in the Triangle would be able to land tickets at anything close to affordable prices due to secondary market ticket brokers using computerized programs to overwhelm Ticketmaster and buy the majority of the available inventory. Since we only have 7,000 tickets in total we are trying to keep that from happening. That is why the best seats to the biggest shows are gone moments after they go on sale and you can immediately find them on Stub Hub at 2-3x the face value. We want people locally to have a shot at the tickets at face value. You will have to trust us … it will be well worth the wait.”

“We could have done this at Wembley Stadium and sold it out but we wanted something much more intimate and with better sound.”

So, I bought my concert and plane tickets.  They have now announced the full lineup.  When my editor saw the list of performers, he blew up.  There are no big draws there.  The headliner is Jack Bruce.  I covered the Cream reunion shows at Madison Square Garden.  That was a big deal.  Seeing Bruce solo at this point is no big deal - he played a bunch of Hippiefest shows this summer at small venues.

My editor will not reimburse me for the concert ticket or any of the travel expenses. If I still go and write something up, he said he might publish it.

There have been some complaints on the show’s message board, and a local music blog has provided some snarky coverage of the announcements here, here, and here. Other than that, however, there has been no buzz about the show at all.

I can’t believe I fell for some promoter hype - if anyone should know better, c’est moi. But I’m still going to go.  Some of my best friends and enemies in the business will be playing, so it will be interesting no matter what.  I just gotta hope that my lady friend will put me up so I don’t have to pay for a hotel room.

So in honor of my whiny editor, here is a list of my favorite swears in rock:

Pretenders - Precious
“But not me baby, I’m too precious, I had to fuck off”
I always thought Chrissie said “I’m too precious, fuck off.”  Looking it up and seeing that it is “I had to fuck off” makes me like it a lot less, but she still sounds cool and tough.

The Who - Who Are You
“Who the fuck are you?”
One of the few fucks you could consistently hear on FM radio.

Steely Dan - Show Biz Kids
“They don’t give a fuck about anybody else”
It’s always funny when nerds swear.

Clash - Stay Free
“We’ll burn it fuckin’ down”
Killer combination of melody and profanity.  They also give us shit and piss.

MC5 - Kick out the Jams
“Kick out the jams, motherfuckers”
Avoid the brothers and sisters version.

Pink Floyd - Not Now John
“Oi, where’s the fucking bar, John?”
I like the earlier fuck-all-that’s in the song (especially when they’re repeated by the female backing vocals), but the bar line at the end is my favorite.

Minutemen - Ain’t Talkin’ ‘Bout Love
“I got no time to fuck around, fuck you”
The econo kings of song titles with swears (”Shit You Hear at Parties”, “Dreams Are Free, Motherfucker”, “There Ain’t No Shit on TV Tonight”…) cut to the chase on this Van Halen cover.

Prince - Let’s Pretend We’re Married
“I sincerely wanna fuck the taste outta your mouth”
Gotta love Prince showing his sensitive, romantic side.

Blue Öyster Cult - Black Blade
“You poor fucking humans”
I almost didn’t include this one because 1) BÖC covered Kick out the Jams and intro’d it with “brothers and sisters” instead of “motherfuckers,” which is lame and 2) it’s almost inaudible.  I changed my mind because everyone should experience turning their stereo all the way up in order to hear the fucking humans line at the end of the song, and then having “Monsters” kick in at full volume and blow out their speakers.

Mercyful Fate - Doomed by the Living Dead
“Say goodbye to all your fucking angels”
I like the way this song builds up.  First King Diamond says goodbye to all our holy angels.  That’s pretty evil.  Then at the end it’s fucking angels.  Ooooh….even more evil. 

Minor Threat - In My Eyes
“At least I’m fucking trying, what the fuck have you done?”
In sixth grade I won a blue ribbon for an apple pie I helped bake with my mom…

They Eat Their Own - I Need You Like a Drug
“But if you call me I will tell you to fuck off”
Ok, I haven’t heard this in a long time so I might have the lyrics wrong, but I always find it sexy when a chick with a little mousy voice swears.

Rage Against the Machine - Killing in the Name
“Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me”
Lots of good swears throughout their whole debut, but this one is my favorite.  Not only do they repeat the line endlessly, they close the song with “motherfuckerrrrsss.”  I’m starting to think that band might have been upset about something.

 Soundgarden - Big Dumb Sex
“I’m gonna (fuck) (fuck) fuck you”
I know they were taking the piss out of hair bands, but I prefer the literal interpretation I have in my head.

 Superchunk - Slack Motherfucker
“Slack motherfucker!”
One of the most melodic motherfuckers you’ll ever hear.

Here’s a couple of bonus live tracks:

Ted Nugent - Wang Dang Sweet Poontang (Live intro)
“Anyone who wants to get mellow can turn around and get the fuck out of here.”

Jim Carroll Band  - City Drops into the Night (Live)
“I think that those two are just fucking scum”

This was all off the top of my head so I’m sure I missed some great and obvious ones.  Feel free to let me know what I omitted.

This Is Your Brain on Music by Daniel Levitin describes the science of what goes on in the brain when we play or listen to music. Levitin is a former record producer.  He once worked with Blue Öyster Cult and Steely Dan, so it should come as no surprise that he grew up to be a science nerd.  He keeps the laboratory mumbo jumbo to a minimum, making this book surprisingly readable.

My biggest disappointment, however, is that except for the PSA allusion in the title, he does not cover the affect of drugs on making or enjoying music. He worked with the Grateful Dead for Jerry’s sake!  My own experiments have proven that listening to Kansas when high improves the perceived music quality immensely.  It would have been nice to have my findings peer-reviewed.

I’ve had to deal with stupid rating systems before.  The UK magazine Kerrang grades the music it reviews with a number of K’s.  Five K’s if it’s a classic.  One K if it sucks.  In the 80’s I submitted a review of Boston’s Third Stage.  I gave the album one K but I told them to put the K backwards because the rhythm section didn’t swing.  Now tell me baseball fans, that’s funny, right?

I guess they only play fucking cricket in the UK, ’cause they rejected my review.